animadversions

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve updated, but that’s because at least I could try and admix with my posts on my anime blog most of the things that occur in my life. I don’t think I could do so with this post, especially because it concerns too little with anime and too much with my own personal life. I write because I want to, but I also write because it relieves stress. I am heavily stressed right now, so I shall write.

My father always tells me to aim for the stars. Aim not for the treetops, he says, for if one falls one falls to the ground. Figuratively, this means that one should aim for excellence and strive for perfection. It also means that when one falls short, at least he isn’t in trouble of failure.

I’ve thought of a riposte to this: when one falls from the stars, he will most definitely die – without any exception. Even just falling from an airplane will assure certain death; falling from the stars is just stupid. Yet falling from the treetops, especially from low trees, may be at worst fatal, but at best be only shallow wounds or lacerations. This has been my mindset from the start of second year, and it hasn’t changed, even with the words or verbal back-patting my parents give me. They say that I am able to do anything I desire, because I am smart (or so they say), but right now I’ve failed in a quite a few subjects. They say I’m smart, but my grades are just atrocious.

I’d like to think that it may be because I dislike (or to use a harsher term, despise) my course, and it may be such, only that I don’t want to admit it. I never, though, have wanted to be a doctor, and I had my doubts with my course the very first day I entered it. I was never born or made to be a person who loved memorizing by rote all the different names in Biology; I (once) excelled in English, Literature, and Physics – all subjects not requiring formulaic memorization but in-depth, vivisecting analyses of interwoven topics. But that may just be an excuse. For one, I’m also lazy, not having the taste in the subjects I desire to have – to the extent of sleeping the day before the exam without any intention of even trying to rectify a situation where nothing has entered into the brain at all.

But I guess I’m just full of excuses. I can’t even think I’m smart right now with all the failure abounding and surrounding me. I love living, however. I love living to think and thinking to live; that doesn’t happen much in my course, though. So I’m thinking, even after two years … I may need to go somewhere else.

God, I’m one lonely bastard. I hope my incoherence is understandable.